HELP! I'm prisoner to Mizzou!

Please help me! I am being held hostage in Missouri. They are tourchering me with their 55 MPH speed limits, dilapidated tourists towns and grey scenery. There is virtually no celluar service and it is shotty at best when passing through the ghost towns.

    Someone bothered to take a scensus when there are seriously more birds than humans living here. Also MOdot sucks! But you don't have to take my word for it because there are signs all along the highway providing the only reading material, saying just that.

     Dear lord we made it across the Mississippi river! I am able to post this blog thanks to the state of Tennessee. Seriously, we crossed a bridge and got service back, go figure.

Dog Been Peeing On Your Area Rug?

 

         Lately my dog has been peeing on this one rug in the living room. The rug is wool and cream colored so I don't ever see it unless I walk over in socks or when it has dried and the house gets a little warm so I can smell it. I really am getting sick of my bad dog and his pee pants.
     

        Maybe he pees on my carpet because I dress him like this?

A fitting costume I think.

      So I had been trying to keep up with the pee spots by completely saturating the spot with a half and half mix of water and white vinegar with a little bit of dish soap. Dabbing it on the spot and letting it dry and then putting baking soda on the spot, letting it sit for about an hour and vacuuming it up.
      But I kept on smelling the pee, which is really awful, like pee. So I thought that it wasn't working and everything that I read online said to do just exactly what I was doing. The vinegar takes away the smell so the dog shouldn't pee there again but what was becoming more and more apparent to me is that I was missing spots.
       So here is my genius idea of how to fix it.

       Flip the rug over, that way you can see all of the spots where your evil little punk ass dog has peed.  DICK.

     
         When I flipped over the rug, I found 3 more spots that I didn't know about. DICK!!!!!

       I just put the vinegar and water in a squeeze bottle now because I seriously do this every week, hopefully not anymore now that I can see all the spots.  Since my rug is really wet, I put it outside on my porch to let the sun bleach it and dry.
     Keeping my fingers crossed that this doesn't happen again, if it does, I think my dog is getting a crate for Christmas.

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Cotton Field Family Photos.

    It's fall and the cotton is high, white and beautiful. The first time I saw cotton, I was 18 and I almost drove off the road because I saw what I thought was a field of snow on fire. It really is a magical memory, one of my favorites about Alabama.
    I know that my family has not seen it either so I decided that we needed some family photos in front of the cotton fields before it was harvested. I borrowed my neighbor and some crazy person left a Canon ESO 60D at my house so that is what we used. Beau didn't cooperate for most of the photos but we got a few good ones.

Ombre Hair With Honey!

          Check out my new ombre mustache. If you want to know how I got it, keep on reading.

        Ombre, for those who don't know is a gradual lightening of colors, usually from dark to light. It doesn't have to be just your hair, it can be anything and it is super popular right now.

If you are someone who loves me, please get me these, or make them for me, I love tights. I am a med/tall. :) 

Please note that ombre nails are a myth and are totally impossible. 

      I have been playing with the idea of going blonde, like platinum blonde, for a while but always chicken out before I make it to the appointment. First of all, I am super low maintenance when it comes to my hair and secondly I am very frugal, cheap, thrifty, "green" if you must, so going in every month for grow out would absolutely kill me.  But this ombre is the best of both worlds, its like grow out but attractive.
      To get this process started you will want to make a mixture of 1 part honey to 2 parts of your favorite conditioner.

 I  had damp hair and I parted it into four sections. Then you slap some of that sticky shit in yo hair, going about half way up the hair shaft.

      The next step is to put a plastic bag over your head and breath deeply. No just put it over your hair.

     To speed this process up I rigged up a heating station in my bathroom and got comfortable on the floor, which isn't that comfortable at all...

This design is trademark of Hipster Housewife Goes Hard. Seriously if you want to use it, go ahead, I guess its better than holding a hair dryer for half an hour.

      Then you wait, for a hour, heating each side or you can wait for 6 hours with a towel in addition to the plastic bag wrapped around your head for heat. Either way, its not going to hurt your hair. The reason this works is because the honey releases a small amount of peroxide gradually.

      Wash the conditioner out, you may need to shampoo it out. Then you should have successfully lightened your hair.

     You can also use this conditioner regularly to lighten your whole head. You would use it like a conditioner treatment and leave it on for 5 minutes in the shower.  This process is safe on your hair and easy to do. I lightened my ends with this method so that that I could dye them auburn for a fall ombre look.
   

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Target Call Me Maybe?

   So I work at Target and someone found song written on a box in the back room, it goes to the tune of, "Call Me Baby" by Carly Rae Jepsen.

  It reads, "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but can I help you, find something maybe? And with a Target red card baby, save 5 percent on what you buy daily." It is pure genius. And I will either get fired for posting this or target will use it as a new slogan.

Chili, Herbivore or Carnivore, Gluten-Free

    This is an easy, tasty chili base that can be made into any kind of dinner soup really. Wether you are vegan or you choose to put meat into it, it is still low calorie, low carb and high in protein, not mention cheap.
     So I made mine about four days ago, intending to do a blog on it and freeze some for Ryan... I pretty much just ate it. It gets better everyday and not having to clean my kitchen has been nice. I recommend eating this chili with cornbread, tortilla chips, cheese and sour cream, depending on the mood that you are in.

       Okay so it couldn't be easier, seriously, the hardest part will be opening the cans. I am going to give you a couple versions, all easy, all delicious.

      Ingredients.

• 4 cans of beans. I used black, garbanzo, kidney and chili pinto beans. 
• 2 cans of sweet yellow corn, or white, I don't care but if you do, you can choose. 
• 1 to 2 cans of diced tomatoes. I used the kind with oregano and basil. 
• 1 can of pumpkin puree, for thickening and because I just like pumpkin
• 1 green bell pepper
• 1 small onion
• 1/2 TBSP of oregano 
• 1/2 TBSP chili powder, reduce depending on how spicy you like it
• 1 tsp garlic powder
•  1 tsp cumin powder 
• salt and pepper 
• optional, 1 1/2 pounds ground turkey, or beef 

          Start by browning your meat on medium-high heat in a heavy bottom 5qt french oven, if you are not using meat, then you are a vegan. Next step, (first step if you are Vegan. I made sure to point this out because some people aren't sure if they are a Vegan or not...) Okay, next step is sautéing chopped bell pepper and onion on medium-high heat until the onion is translucent. Then you add the cans of beans, liquid included, the tomatoes, pumpkin and corn. DO NOT drain anything, this will make the broth of your chili. Add all of the seasonings, bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer. The longer you simmer, the better the flavor.

        Okay so you can do a couple things with this base, so you can make it into taco soup by pouring it over the top of tortilla chips and drowning it with sour cream and cheese. Pour it on top of fritos, or a baked potato. You can crumble up sweet cornbread in it, my personal favorite or just eat it on its own. Really its up to you.

       I hope you enjoy this simple, healthy, and cheap meal, I know I have.

Pumpkin Muffin Tops

   

     So I decided to try a recipe that I saw on pinterest but make it more healthy and turn it into my own. It was a recipe for pumpkin snicker doodles. I know pumpkin + my favorite cookie, nom. My recipe turned out to be something completely different from a cookie and the best way I can describe it would be a muffin top.

     The way I made them more of a "healthy" cookie is by cutting out some of the butter and sugar since the pumpkin is naturally sweet and moist. You could probably use a cup of wheat flour and the rest white flour or add some oats, nuts, or dried apples something, I don't know I just make this shit up on the spot really.

    My recipe successfully cut out about 1000 calories from the original that I based it on, so not too bad really. That makes mine moderately healthy and I can live with that.

Acting like he doesn't want it

Yeah, that's what I thought... 

     Ingredients

• 3 3/4 cups flour 
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp fresh ground nutmeg
• 1 stick unsalted butter at room temperature  
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 1/2 cups pumpkin puree, almost one can 
• 2 tsp vanilla extract

    Combine dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, salt and spices) in a mixing bowl, set aside. In a mixer, mix butter and sugar for 1 to 2 minutes on speed 2 until well corrupted. Add egg, vanilla and then add pumpkin. Next add flour mix making sure not to over mix. Chill the dough for 2 hours or over night.
     Roll TBSP sized balls of dough in a mixture of 1/2 cup sugar 1 tsp cinnamon and 1/4 tsp both nutmeg and ginger.  Top with pumpkin seeds.
      Bake at 350 for 14 minutes, they are not cookies so don't expect a crunch, they will be soft and moist like muffin tops.

Hello, My Name Is Tori And I Am A Pumpkin Addict.

       When it comes to pumpkins, I gotta have it. I love the moist texture it gives to dessert and foods. Its perfect for making breads, cakes, pies, soups, pastas and my all time favorite, beers. It really has no limitations. I am not a huge fan of sweets but I still like them, let me put it this way, I enjoy cake without frosting, pie crusts without out the filling haha. I am a half sweet/half unsweetend tea kind of gal.

        Appart from it being my favorite food add in, its also my favorite color. In our condo I have two rooms painted shades of pumpkin (pumpkin butter and pumpkin toast), solely for the fact that, "pumpkin" were in the names of the paint color. Oh and my Les Creuset French oven, the color is "pumpkin." Oh and nail polish, I love orange nails too.

        Then the scents, it is spicy, my very favorite. I enjoy nutmeg and pumpkin scents are one of the very few scents that actually has nutmeg in it. I have hand soaps, body wash and lotions. Candles, scented oils, air fresheners, and waxes. I stock up when Bath and Body Works has their semi-annual sales online and then again when they are switching scents over to Winter in the stores. It's really pretty insane...

     I don't exactly know what pumpkins sound like but fall sounds like family, and friends getting together and having great conversations. Everyone talking about how excited they are about the new boots and sweaters they get to wear, the yummy spices they get to eat and smell. Cool days. I might be stretching this last sense... It sounds like me, trying to convince everyone on the internet that I am not crazy because I can justify why I NEED pumpkin all the time.

     I am just a pumpkin enthusiast, it gets my senses going.

5 Ingredient Pumpkin Beer Cake

     Now that I have your attention, I am going to spoil your day and tell you that the reason this is only a 5 ingredient cake is because I didn't say we would be frosting it, if you use the frosting I did then in reality this is a 7 ingredient cake. Not too bad but 5 is a magic number, just like 42.
     This cake is very simple and even healthy, as it has no oil, I replaced oil with pumpkin and water with beer... Beer is a vitamin. That's what vitamin B stands for and you can take that to the bank.

      Ingredients.

•   yellow cake mix
•  1 can of pure pumpkin (not the pie mix) 
• 1/3 cup of golden wheat beer of your chose, drink the rest nom nom 
•  2 eggs 
•  1/2 tsp of pumpkin pie spice, which is nutmeg, cinnamon and clove. 

      Putting it together couldn't be more simple, just mix all of the ingredients on low for about 3 to 4 minutes.  I love the color of the batter, perfect!

         Pour equal amounts of batter into two round cake pans and bake for 35 minutes at 350.

     I topped the cake with the whipped cream and cream cheese frosting recipe that I used on my Fireworks cake. Its really simple and tasty.  I gave this cake to my new neighbors who said it was really good, I got to have some too, it was very moist and light. I think I will make cupcakes with this recipe for Halloween. Enjoy! 

Ima Douche Bag Dinner.

    Ryan bought me an extra fridge for the garage so I have a place to put our beer and copious amounts of bacon that I buy in bulk from costco, I freaking love him. We bought it from our friend who needed it gone since she was moving and down sizing. All I had to do was get it to my house, and there lies the problem...
     All week I tried to find someone who could help me, someone with a truck, someone with a trailer, someone like my neighbor. I hesitated to ask, I wanted to just you know, mention it in passing or something casual like that.
     So first I mowed my lawn, the whole thing and he didn't show. The next day I tried pruning my hedges and I saw him but he was in a hurry so I just waved. Then he decided to mow his lawn and I had to tried really hard not to look like I was watching and waiting to ask. When I finally did he said yes, and only asked that I rent an appliance dolly, not so bad.
      The fridge was in my friends garage and it was going into my garage, simple move, not bad at all. What I failed to mention however, was that Nina had boxes and a couch (hide-a-bed)  and few more random items in front of the fridge, which was in the far corner of the garage. HA!
       I have to make them an amazing dinner,"I am a douche bag dinner". How and where do I start? Humble pie? Guilt free chocolate? Is there such a thing?

Copy Cat Recipe: Tomato's Bacon Spezie

   

      When I am in the small town of Twin Falls, Idaho I have to go to Tomato's Bar and Grill and get their Bacon Spezie. It is a spicy, cajun inspired alfredo with bacon, chicken and mushrooms. I serious will ruin my entire diet for this dish, it's sooo amazing.
      I was craving this dish at home in Alabama and decided to google it, it is original, like no one, not even the internet has this recipe except for a small restaurant in small Twin Falls, Idaho. At least they got that going for them. But I NEEDed it! So I tried a recipe and failed and tried again and vola! It is perfect.
      Here is my gift to you internet world! And everyone who has been wanting this recipe for the home.

       Ingredients:

• 2 chicken breasts 
• 5 slices of bacon 
• 1 cup heavy cream 
• 1 1/2 cups italian blend shredded cheese 
• 1/2 cup chicken broth or more for thinning 
• 2 TBSP butter
• 8 white mushrooms, washed and sliced 
• 3 to 4 green onions 
• a healthy heaping spoonful of sun dried tomatoes
• 1 TBSP minced garlic
• cajun spice mix ( 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp garlic powder, 1 tsp paprika, 1/4 tsp black pepper, 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper, 1/2 tsp dried oregano, 1/2 dried thyme) This is approximately how much I used. 

    Directions:

      Start by slicing chicken in thin slices and cutting bacon into 1 inch pieces. Fry together, on medium-high heat for 4 to 5 minutes. Season with cajun seasoning. Add garlic, mushrooms and butter. Once the mushrooms, chicken and bacon are golden, (in bacon case crisp) turn down the heat to a simmer and add cream, chicken broth and green onion. When simmering add cheese and let melt. Adjust any seasoning to taste and enjoy. Serve over penne.

     Tomato's does melt a smoked gouda over the top under the heat of an oven. Although really tasty, I chose to leave this step out because I don't have any gouda and I don't need the calories ;-)  I hope you enjoy this dish, it's is seriously delicious.

Healthy Turkey Meatloaf and Food Network Humor

      Since Ryan will be gone for the few months I have been living it up! Every chance I get, I throw on my over sized jean shirt, they are really in right now, and have a party with the girls and my gay dog Beau.

Giant jean shirt, you can get this same shirt on the internet for $700. 

Bare feet are a GO! 

      Tonight was no exception to my trending life style. I invited one of my girlfriends from work over so I could show her how much money I had, I mean my house. She wasn't expecting it but I also made dinner and didn't want to do just the norm, so I made meatloaf! LOL LOL

Only super rich people own these, so you poor people will just have to use a knife to chop your vegetables. 

      Turkey meatloaf with mash potatoes and peas, I used only the best ingredients, free range turkey, potatoes imported from Idaho and peas that had been shucked by the cabbage patch kids, as their fat baby fingers don't bruise the pea.

Eggs laid by fine Austrian hens that are raised in boat houses. 

    I like this recipe because even people who don't like meatloaf tend to like this. Its juicy, flavorful and colorful. I mean look at this meatloaf, it just looks rich.

     

Ingredients.

• 1 1/5 pounds ground turkey
• 1/2 a bunch of parsley 
• 4 carrots 
• 8 to 10 mushrooms 
• 1 green bell pepper 
• 1/2 cup black olives 
• 1 small onion or green onions 
• 2 tablespoons garlic 
• 1 cup of shredded italian blend cheese 
• 3/4 cup italian breadcrumbs 
• 2 eggs 

       Preheat oven to 350. Start by washing your vegetables, letting the parsley sit in a bath of water, its really dirty, trust me. Chop veggies and put like textures into the food processer, olives with mushrooms, bell pepper with onion and garlic and carrots on its own. Or coarsely chop vegetables. Add all veggies to ground turkey with breadcrumbs, eggs and add pepper to taste. Mix, but not too much and then spoon into a shallow casserole dish. Bake for one hour, enjoy with mash potatoes and green peas.

        Anyone guess who my impression was? Anyone?