Saturday, June 11, 2011

Self Loathing.

   Laying in at 10:30 AM I trying to clear my mind and fall asleep. I can't seem to get past feeling guilty about this, as Ryan went to bed hours ago and I am still up reading Harry Potter. I am still awake because I took a nap in a desperate attempt to get relief from my head ache today oh and also because I am lazy. I started thinking about why I feel guilty for being up so late, I mean I am on vacation. The fact is I am sick of Abu Dhabi.
   It has been two and a half months since our arrival and I have been slipping slowly into a more depressed state of mind as the days dwindle by. I don't hardly recognize what day it is anymore let alone myself. I feel like the Grinch but I think even he had more fun than I do. My days are spent in bed, I literally do not get out of bed for anything other than to go to the bathroom. I read, watch movies over and over on my computer, wait for Ryan to get back and sometimes I go to the gym, not often though because my feet get blisters from my shoes every time I run plus I don't eat much anymore so weight gain isn't that huge of a concern.
   I feel a lot of guilt  about the things that I have done in the time I have been here and also the things I haven't done. I have spent a lot of time at the mall and have spent a lot of money. Being in the richest country in all of the world, means that things aren't cheap and I packed a bit less clothing than I wish I had. I spend more than 10 hours everyday online, most of the time I am looking for more ways to spend Ryan's money. If you know me, you know that I have always had a job and my own money, being without both really troubles me. Ryan just bought me a car because I couldn't afford mine without a job.
   The other part is what I haven't done. I haven't been running everyday like I told myself I would. I have not gone to the beach, the village, the suk, gone a camel ride or to ferrari world because honestly, who wants to go to those places alone? Also it is 110 degrees outside with 100% humidity, there is no shade and I am super ivory white but seriously, I would have to go ALONE! I eat all of my meals ALONE. I spend my entire day alone and when Ryan comes home I don't really feel anything anymore because I can't seem to get over my own problems.
   I miss my dog and my house. I miss feeling like I had a some kind of job to do. I miss my vacuum. I miss my boyfriend who is in the bed right next to me. I hate this bed, it hurts my back and traps me in it all day long. I miss grocery shopping and sewing. Waiting up at night to get a chance to talk with Ryan.
   Abu Dhabi is nothing like Germany. I thought that I would like being in a 5 star hotel on a island with anything I could ever want at hand but I hate it. I would rather be in Germany were I had to do laundry in a shower and make my own damn breakfast and lunch. Where the bed was so uncomfortable it kept me up at night tossing and turning. In a town with a population of 100 in the 16 room hotel was full. It was great because Ryan had more time to explore with me and we did exactly that and didn't waste one moment.
   So I am sorry if you don't have enough photos of my trip from here but I don't really think many people want to see my dirty room and bed or a mall full of sunglasses, perfume and stores you would find at any saks fifth avenue. If I do anything more interesting I will let you know. As of now all I can hope for is that Ryan will get a day off so I can have my best friend back. 

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